Give Yourself the Gift of Good Communication
Becoming the She or He I Want to Know
* Throughout this guide, “She or He” refers to the authentic person each of us is discovering, developing, and allowing ourselves to be. For ease of reading, the word “She” will be used throughout.
Discovering who we really are can be an exhilarating experience. Or it may come about more quietly, over time. We may begin to recognize talents, interests, abilities, and ways of being we've overlooked, suppressed, or set aside for years. And with these discoveries may come possibilities we hadn't previously imagined. But discovering the She we want to know is only part of the journey.
How will we bring that person into the world?
We may have wonderful ideas, important things to contribute, and dreams we’d love to pursue. Yet without effective communication skills, we may hold ourselves back—even when opportunities are right in front of us.
It’s something of a fairy tale to imagine that we can become all we’re capable of being without learning to express ourselves effectively, stand up for ourselves, and communicate well with others. Good communication touches nearly everything: our relationships, work, opportunities, confidence, and ability to participate fully in life.
The encouraging news? We can learn these skills.
Speaking Our Truth
Perhaps we’ve avoided speaking in front of others for fear of making a mistake or sounding ridiculous. Perhaps we’ve hesitated to express an opinion, ask for what we want, disagree with someone, or speak up when we’re treated unfairly.
These are some of the ways the old spell may still be influencing our lives—even as we’re discovering the She we want to know.
We generally recognize that becoming a musician, accountant, or architect requires education and practice. But we may not recognize that effective communication is also a learned skill—one worthy of our time, money, instruction, and repeated practice.
Learning these skills may feel awkward at first! It means being willing to make mistakes, speak up when we’d rather remain silent, try unfamiliar ways of expressing ourselves, and accept feedback. With practice, we can discover that we’re capable of communicating far more effectively than we ever imagined.
We can learn to express our thoughts clearly, listen effectively, ask good questions, handle disagreements, and stand up for ourselves without attacking someone else. We don’t have to become outgoing if that’s not how we think of ourselves, or exceptionally articulate. With practice, we can become better prepared to know what to say, when to say it, how to say it—and when to listen.
Creating a Life That Works for Us
Imagine owning a wonderful restaurant or designing book covers for a publishing house. Other people may look to us for our ideas, preferences, and decisions. What happens when we choose one person’s proposal over another’s? Can we express our judgment with confidence and kindness, even when someone is disappointed—without surrendering our own preferences simply to keep the peace?
Or perhaps we’ve dreamed of becoming president of our local parent-teacher organization. One day, several parents angrily blame the group for something that wasn’t its fault. We understand what happened and have ideas for resolving the situation. Will we know how to hear their concerns, explain the facts, and help everyone move toward a solution—without becoming defensive or accepting blame that doesn’t belong to us?
Perhaps we are an actor who has signed with an agent we believe could help us land a long-desired role. We have priorities about the roles we want, professional boundaries, and compensation. Can we explain those priorities clearly, ask important questions, and discuss differences confidently while maintaining a good working relationship? Communication skills can help us navigate unfamiliar professional situations, whatever career we pursue.
These are the kinds of situations that may arise when we begin participating more fully in life. Sometimes we hold ourselves back from our dreams not because we lack talent, but because we fear the interpersonal situations that success might bring. We don’t have to wait until we’ve mastered communication skills to pursue our dreams. We can develop those skills along the way.
And good communication isn’t only about difficult conversations. It helps us share enthusiasm, express appreciation, build friendships, invite others into our ideas, and create opportunities we might never have imagined!
Communication matters at home, too. Perhaps household responsibilities aren’t being shared as we’d like, or disagreements recur over schedules, belongings, or shared spaces. Not every problem requires us to become more patient or give up what we prefer. Sometimes we can modify the environment or make arrangements that work better for everyone.
Families and housemates might meet regularly to discuss concerns, plan for upcoming events, and decide what enjoyable activities they’d like to share. These conversations needn’t be only about problems. They can help create more cooperative, creative, and enjoyable ways of living together. Learning how to approach these situations can also be part of a good communication course.
Reading About Communication Is a Beginning. Practice Makes the Difference.
Learning communication skills is much like learning to sing, dance, play an instrument, or speak another language. Reading can help us understand the principles, but practicing with other people helps us use them in everyday life.
Look for a class, a workshop series, or practice group that provides opportunities to try out new communication skills, receive feedback, and practice again. Whenever possible, choose a program that meets for several sessions rather than offering only a one-time presentation. Role-playing and repeated practice in a supportive setting can help prepare participants for real-life situations.
And when a course ends, we can keep practicing with friends, colleagues, family, or fellow learners. We don’t need to master every skill before pursuing our dreams; we can grow into them as we go.
An Investment in Ourselves
Why aren’t effective communication and conflict-resolution skills taught as routinely as reading, writing, and mathematics?
Many of us spent years studying subjects that prepare us for work and everyday life, yet we may have received little systematic instruction in expressing ourselves, listening, handling disagreements, or resolving conflicts cooperatively. Perhaps because these skills weren’t emphasized in our education, we haven’t always thought of them as worth investing in.
We may readily invest in a college course, professional training, or lessons to develop a talent. Why not consider communication skills equally worthy of our time, attention, and resources—perhaps even more so?
Classes and workshops may have tuition or membership fees. Some programs may offer scholarships, sliding scales, or other lower-cost opportunities; availability varies. The point isn’t to spend beyond our means, but to recognize the value of this education and explore what is possible.
Unlike training for a single occupation, these are skills we can use in nearly every relationship, opportunity, and endeavor.
Further Exploration
Here are three approaches worth exploring. Each develops different abilities; other worthwhile programs are available, too. Whenever possible, look for ongoing instruction and opportunities to practice with others.
Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) — Thomas Gordon
Although designed primarily for parents and caregivers, its core communication and conflict-resolution skills can be useful in relationships throughout life. These include active listening, expressing needs clearly, resolving conflicts cooperatively, and modifying environments to prevent unnecessary disagreements.
https://www.gordontraining.com
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — Marshall B. Rosenberg
An approach to understanding and expressing feelings and needs, listening with empathy, and building more compassionate, satisfying relationships.
Toastmasters International
A supportive environment for developing public-speaking, communication, and leadership skills through regular meetings, prepared and impromptu speeches, and constructive feedback.
A Gift We Can Keep Giving Ourselves
Communication skills can help us pursue opportunities, share our ideas, navigate challenges, and build relationships without giving ourselves away. We can begin now—and keep learning throughout life.
Consider giving yourself the gift of good communication, and giving the She you’re getting to know more chances to flourish.
A complimentary resource from My Spell.
These independent resource descriptions are provided for educational purposes. My Spell is not affiliated with or endorsed by the organizations mentioned.